The Real World Blues

“A mistake which is commonly made about neurotics is to suppose that they are interesting. It is not interesting to be always unhappy, engrossing with oneself, malignant and ungrateful, and never quite in touch with reality”.- Cyril Connolly

The worst feeling in the world, besides grief I suppose, is being made to feel inferior or even stupid and idiotic. Like you are quite possibly the most incompetent person one could ever lay eyes on. At least this is how I feel today.

Incompetent and like my sole purpose in life is to be shit on by other people who believe themselves to be infallible. And yes, I’m pissed. And I don’t want to be told that having others make me feel this way is either a) part of the territory; b) normal; or c) something that I just need to “get over”.

I’m thisclose to just saying fuck it to everything. To being thrown into the lion’s den of being adult and to people assuming that I have ESP. It’s like people-parents, friends, whomever-feels that they can just snap their fingers and suddenly this will happen. That’s not how the world works and why should I be treated that way?

Maybe I should get over it (my God I am contradictory) as it will not be changing anytime soon. And people get frustrated and feel the need to play the blame game when it is something that is out of their control. That’s what it is, right now I’m still in pergatory and I feel like everything is out of my control. I doubt those around me walk around saying “hmmm, how can we make Heather feel inept today?” Thankfully the people I surround myself with, will genuinely worry and feel badly about me feeling badly. It will all be forgotten by tomorrow, but I’ll replay it over and over again, wondering what I did wrong and how I can do better. My jaw will bear the brunt of this.

Elenor Roosevelt once said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”; that’s it; I’m giving people my consent to make me feel like crap, and I just need to stop.

Resume Builder 101

"Who doesn't want a shortcut to greatness?"- The Contender

Step 1: Pick an over arching goal of what you really would like to accomplish when all is said and done. Make sure you have no way of accomplishing that goal until 2036.

Step 2: Spend the first two years of high school failing classes.

Step 3: Spend the last two years of high school taking AP/University courses. Get upwards of a full year of college worth of credit. And prove all your teachers from the first two years wrong.

Step 4: Pick an overpriced private university to attend, in place of the Ivy league school you got into for free. Pick this overpriced private university because of the various internship opportunities.

Step 5: Skip at least two class meetings of each class per semester. Cry at your professor when your "printer stops working" and you can't print out a paper, when in reality, you just didn't do it.

Step 6: Have your first internship be at a parent's company. If neither of your parents work at a company in your field of interest, find a family member or family friend.

Step 7: Get a 'C' or two (actually four) in your major courses.

Step 8: Have your second internship be with a very famous person in your chosen field. You may become bored to tears, but keep plugging away.

Step 9: Make sure your third internship is personable. Become BFF with your internship coordinator.

Step 10: Have a screaming match with one of your bosses. Make sure said person, kisses your ass everytime he/she sees you after the screaming incident.

Step 11: Do one more internship for good measure. Stay there and refuse to leave even when your time is up.

Step 12: Be bored sometimes, but learn a lot. Don't worry, you will get noticed.

Step 13: Give up on interning. Especially when you have no luck finding a subsequent internship.

Step 14: Recall "being noticed" as part of step 12. Find someone that noticed you. He/She will find you the job of your dreams, which you will get sans interview.

Step 15: Continue to get 'C's. But manage to get A's in any course that has to do with your internships.

Step 16: Make interning your life.

Step 17: The job from Step 14, should be one in which you work tirelessly for 50 hours a week.

Step 18: While working 50 hours a week, Seven days a week, take 13 credits, even though you really only need 6 to graduate.

Step 19: Inhale caffeine like it's your second job.

Step 20: Have your first 'real job' end horribly, due to circumstances out of your control (it's actually a little over half of the population to blame).

Step 21: Become a lady who lunches (you know golfing, Oprah, and lunches at panera).

Step 22: leave the country.

Step 23: Blame step 21 and step 22 on working so much during college and that you need a serious break.

Step 24: Be drunk in a foreign country every night for four months.

Step 25: At the end of those four months abroad, realize that the credit bureaus are going to start calling and that maybe you should get a job.

Step 26: Run out of money. Utterly and completely out of money

Step 27: Graduate while being jet lagged. It's a lot more fun that way.

Step 28: Spend six weeks watching Ellen, Oprah, and Days of Our Lives and golfing. While simultaneously freaking out about finding a job.

Step 29: Recall that person in step 12 who noticed you. That person will keep noticing you and become your mentor.

Step 30: Keep spending your parents money. Don't worry, they won't mind

Step 31: GET A JOB!

Step 32: Make sure said job is at your first choice place to work.

Step 33: Thank your mentor profusely and purchase said person gifts from faraway lands.

Step 34: Be thankful that you've found a job with wonderful and fun people.

Step 35: Make sure your boss(es) share your ideals and is someone that you can look up to.

Step 36: Become incredibly cheesy when talking about work, because you love your job that much. But don't let the people you work with know.

Step 37: Write/blog about your first year out of college so that others that will be graduating after you realize that even when things feel completely shitty, it will get better.

To the Class of 2005

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings

Class of 2005:

It has been four months since that fateful day of graduation and in the immortal words of Monica Gellar; “Welcome to the real world. You’re going to hate it”.

To those of you lucky enough to have found some sort of employment after your graduation. I applaud you. You now realize why your parents were always in a shitty mood when they got home from work and that try as you might, it’s impossible to live off of anything less than $60,000. But you’ll try like hell damn it; to learn how to budget and go without that fourth vodka tonic. Instead you’ll go with the $1 beers. And to those of you, who have yet to find gainful employment, let the good times roll. You may be bored and sick of asking mommy and daddy to revive your depleted bank account, but you know and they know that they can’t say “no”. I’m sure by now for all of you, the boredom has set in, but don’t feel too bad, because the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

For almost 17 years you waited to graduate from college. Not just to be out from under your parent’s wing (and my, wouldn’t it be great to be back under there), but also to not be forced to go to class. Those of you from the Northeast know what I’m talking about. Waiting and praying for just a few snow days every year between November and April. Hoping the fluffy white stuff would come down and that the roads would be closed. Sigh- those are the days. There were also the numerous breaks-thanksgivings, Christmas, winter, spring-that kept you going throughout the year, knowing that soon, there would be a vacation. Now, sadly, you realize that there will be no more breaks. Sick days have to be calculated to the hour, so instead of getting that hacking cough checked out, you’ll suffer until you’ve accumulated the necessary nine hours to take a full day off of work.

There are moments when many of you will sit and think to yourself “this is hell” and “I didn’t go to college for this”, but remember that it will get worse, before it gets better. Hang in there and know this: karma is a bitch.

Good luck to you all; those with jobs and those without. For the latter group, you’ll find gainful employment and the joys of health insurance. For the former group, you better learn to enjoy it, because with the steady decline of social security, you will be working for the next 45 years.

Love,
Heather B.